April Books.

Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad — a memoir about a young woman’s four-year-long struggle with cancer and then the challenge of figuring out life after cancer. It was informative to learn about the ongoing, daily struggle of a cancer patient. I have a friend who currently is receiving cancer treatment, and I think this book has helped me be a more empathic friend and know how to support her, even if it is long-distance support. Jaouad had the support of her family and their very generous insurance. I am interested to read a cancer memoir from someone with less emotional and financial support, which I think would be more in line with most people’s experience.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman —This was one of those books that is so good it can bring in someone like me who isn’t normally a fan of the genre (fantasy fiction in this case). It drew me in with its universal theme of growing up…. of memory, growing up, and the desire to belong to a place. I’m likely going to reread this one someday just to uncover some more themes I probably missed.

Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis — A must-read for any C.S. Lewis fan, it’s his autobiography of his early life. I’m not sure how I missed it all these years!

The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom and Becoming Elisabeth Elliot by Ellen Vaughn — I read these books at the same time, The Hiding Place through Audible and Becoming Elisabeth Elliot on Kindle. Sometimes reading similar books concurrently can reinforce themes in both of them. It really struck me how similar these two women were. They both had an unwavering love and obedience to Christ, even in the most crushing circumstances. What extraordinary examples of faithful women they both are! They are an encouragement for all Christian women.

March Books.

March Books

Gentle and Lowly by Dale Ortlund — Probably one of my favorite parenting books. It’s not about parenting at all, but it has helped me tremendously as a parent. It’s taught me how to be a more patient parent to my children by showing in detail throughout the Bible how much patienct, mercy, and grace God has with His children. It’s definitely a book I will be rereading annually.

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis — Based on the myth of Cupid and Psyche, this is a book that was hard to push through, but it was worth it. C.S. Lewis shares his philosophy on envy, betrayal, and love. I love his books because they are so rich with ideas that often make me just stop mid-page and think about what I just read. One of my favorite quotes I’ve read in a long time came from this book, about longing for death not out of despair, but out of joy, a hope that somewhere a better place than this one exists and we will go there someday.

Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott — I love Anne Lamott so much for her honest writing. She doesn’t pretend to have everything together, but simply invites her readers into her messy life, and writes in a way that makes you feel less weird about your own messy life. Traveling Mercies was all about her journey to faith in Christ and her thoughts on hypocrisy in faith.

Girls on the Edge by Leonard Sax — The subtitle of this book is Why So Many Girls Are Anxious, Wired, and Obsessed – and What Parents Can Do. This book was good at pointing out the areas that we as a culture our failing our daughters: sexualization, chemical exposure, too much technology/social media – and what we can do as parents to protect them from growing up too fast, both literally and figuratively (enforce modesty, change their diet, limit technology). I always love Sax’s parenting books because he encourages parents to apply their authority for the well-being of our kids. To hesitate our authority is to put our children at risk.

February Books.

I always have at least three books going at a time, but usually as many five or six. I read a few minutes from each one every day, and by the end of the month it really adds up! This month I cut back my internet time and (shocker) had so much extra time to read. I even splurged on a kindle/audible combo for one book so I could switch back and forth between them as time allowed.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine – by Gail Honeyman — I actually thought this was another book when I started reading it. Then I thought I knew where the story was going. But it ended up being a completely different story than I thought it was going to be at the beginning. It’s about a woman who slowly unravels the trauma of her childhood, makes peace with her past, and grows into a mature friendship.

The Nesting Place – by Myquillyn Smith — I’m in the middle of packing, purging, and taking the opportunity of a new nest to make some fresh changes. So I’m on the lookout for ideas for creating cozy, comfortable space in our new home. The author has lived in 14 homes in 18 years, so she knows about creating a home out of a house. Biggest takeaways: Limitations are a good thing. Things like a small budget, or a weird house layout, or a rental home that you can’t change are good things. Having too many options can be paralyzing. Every home has potential, if you just embrace it.

Welcome Home – by Myquillyn Smith — More about making a home stylish and cozy, but more focused on minimalism and using each season to inspire style.

The Dutch House – by Ann Patchett — A story about a brother and sister and the huge, elegant house they grew up in until their father died and their stepmother kicked them out. Together they navigate adulthood, relationships, and ultimately forgiving their estranged mother. I listened to this on Audible (read by Tom Hanks) and enjoyed it. There isn’t much of a plot, so it’s one of those books where you listen to people’s thoughts about life. I happen to love this kind of book, but I know it drives some people crazy.

The Collapse of Parenting – by Dr. Leonard Sax – My favorite read of the month. Key points: 1. Teach kids humility. They are not the center of the family (some of my people need this reminder!) 2. Conscientiousness and self control are the best predictors of adult success 3. Enforce good habits, don’t wait for your kids to want to do the right thing. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” This book was a much needed course correction for our parenting.

Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment – by Daniel A. Hughes — High recommended by adoption specialists. This one took me all month to read because of how dense it was, but it was well worth it. It helped me understand a lot about attachment dynamics and had a lot of helpful advice for dealing with challenging behaviors.

Share Your Stuff, I’ll Go First – by Laura Tremaine — A guide to being a more open friend and inviting others’ stories into your life. I’m super introverted and usually think people don’t care so much about what’s going on in my life, but according to Laura, when you ‘share your stuff’ it invites others to share their stuff, and deeper friendships are the result. Thanks to the pandemic I haven’t had the chance to test out this theory yet, so we shall see.

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe – by Fannie Flagg — Just like the movie but so much better.

January Books.

I love reading. But I’m not great at keeping track of what I read. This year I’m trying to be more intentional about recording my reads for the year. I always have a bunch of books going at once, so I’ll only count the books I actually finish for each month.

The Essential Enneagram by David Daniels — I’ve been reading about the Enneagram in an effort to learn more about myself, why I do things, and how to change some of the things about myself I don’t like (I’m a 1, “The Reformer”). The Essential Enneagram isn’t the best book on the subject, but it is quick and very practical for ideas of small changes to make to lose bad thought habits.

Rage Against the Minivan-Learning to Parent without Perfection by Kristen Howerton — Loved this book… a snarky, very real look at motherhood and why I should give up the dream of being a perfect mom and embrace being a ‘good enough’ mom.

Praying the Bible by Donald S. Whitney — A short book on simple strategies to pray more. When our prayers are boring and repetitive, we don’t want to pray. So we pray less. Whitney teaches how to pray a better way – praying God’s words back to Him. Which breathes new energy into a suffering prayer life.

Hidden Valley Road – Inside the Mind of an American Family by Robert Kolker — I love reading books about subjects I know nothing about. Especially when the author makes the subject so interesting you can’t put the book down. This is the story about a family of 12 children, 10 of whom were boys, where half of the boys developed schizophrenia. It explores assumptions we have about people with mental illness and the new understanding into the origins of schizophrenia.

The Lazy Genius Way – Kendra Adachi — My favorite book of this month, and probably in the past year. I discovered this book and Kendra’s podcast after listening to a Enneagram podcast about Type Ones. This book is life-changing for those of us who are perfectionists and need help figuring out what matters and how to simplify our life to make things more manageable, instead of trying to do ALL THE THINGS.

Why We Sleep – Matthew Walker — What if there was something you could do that would boost your immune system, help you function better during the day, maintain a healthy weight, ward off cancer, diabetes, and heart disease, and would make you happier? It’s sleep. Specifically, 8 hours of sleep. No matter what. Every night. We all need enough sleep, and this books explains why in scientific detail.

Saturday Morning.

As I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write, I’m reminded of Anne Lamott’s advice to just focus on a one inch square of life. So I’ll write about what is literally in front of me.

I get Saturday mornings off (most of them, anyway), and today I’m sitting under a tree near farmer’s market in the little park area. I need to go pick up some peaches and plums while they’re still in season. There’s nothing better than in-season peaches! But now I’m trying to squeeze in some writing before I head home for the morning.

There are people trickling past me, on their way to and back from farmer’s market. They wear masks because we are in a pandemic.

Here comes a dad and son scootering toward me. The boy is probably three and has a red scooter and a bright blue helmet. The dad has a scooter too. He clearly enjoys being with his son. He chases his son around yelling “Roar!! I’m a hungry bear!” The boy screams and kicks off as fast as he can to get away from his dad. He seems to enjoy just hearing himself yell.

Does he realize how lucky he is to have a father to ride around with him on a Saturday morning? Does the dad realize how lucky he is to have a healthy, happy little boy? Is anyone else enjoying watching them, or are they rushing to the next thing?

There are so much blessings in front of us. We just need to open our eyes and see them. Put our phone down. Take a moment to sit and just watch and enjoy.

On Being Sober.

It’s been over six months since I sipped my last glass of wine. Before this, having a glass (or two) of wine had become a nightly thing.

I didn’t consider myself an alcoholic. It was just my treat at end of the day. Every day.

Within the same week two big factors led to quitting: I started a new medication which has very negative side effects associated with drinking alcohol. And I learned from my sister about a family history of depression and alcohol-related-deaths on both sides of my parents: both my maternal grandparents died at a young age (thirties) from the effects of alcoholism and my mother was left an orphan as a toddler because of it. My father was an alcoholic and has a history of mental illness and suicide attempts, and while my mother never drank, she also has a history of depression and mental illness.

Sitting under the weight of all this information made ever taking another sip of alcohol an obvious bad choice. But it hasn’t been easy. I’d like to say I don’t miss drinking, but I do. A glass of red wine at the end of a long day was my “self-care”. Sipping away during dinner prep was my reward for being a decent mom all day long. A glass of chilled white wine was my way of relaxing during summer afternoons. I liked the way it made me loosen up and not be so uptight. When I drank wine, it felt like taking a little vacation from myself.

Did I have a ‘problem’ with drinking? No. Maybe. When a glass or two on the weekend became a glass after a “really rough day”, which became a glass or two every evening, it does seem like something that should be addressed. And so I’m thankful for the two events that popped up that week back in December that gave me a reason to quit for good.

Since I’ve stopped drinking, I’ve become aware that alcohol culture is everywhere. Just a quick browse through graphic tee’s on Target’s website shows ten shirts with phrases like “Mama needs wine” and “Stars stripes cocktails”. It’s almost a given in our culture that if you have kids, you have to drink wine. On a recent Facebook post where a mom was asking for help managing a new family of seven, one mom suggested drinking wine with dinner prep, kinda like I used to. Moms post pictures on Facebook of yet another one of their kids’ “funny” drawings depicting her with a wineglass in her hand with the caption “Mommy likes to drink”.

Ultimately it comes down to the fact that I have way too much to lose to risk drinking alcohol ever again. Six beautiful children to call mine and a good husband. My family is so precious to me. This life given to me by God is such a gift. To risk harming this gift over drinking is simply not an option any more.

Sisters.

My current dilemma: how to teach four little girls how to be good sisters when I have no idea what I’m doing?

I was an only child growing up. It was a very lonely, quiet childhood. I remember wishing for a sister, but knowing that with my single mom, it wasn’t going to happen. So, the sister thing is a big mystery to me. I’ve noticed (admittedly with some envy) adult sisters together and their inside jokes, shared history, language known only to each other.

I’ve read about sisters in books: the relationships between the four sisters in Little Women are both fascinating and intimidating. The rivalry between Jo and Amy, the tenderness that Meg has for her younger sisters, the sweetness between Jo and Beth. I simultaneously want to be one of those sisters, and also glad I’m not their mother.

Now I have two sons and four daughters. My sons seem to know how to be brothers without anyone telling them: they wrestle and burp and play video games together. They annoy each other, but quickly recover.

But these girls of mine have a lot of feelings and words — so many words! — and sisterhood seems a bit more complicated. (It involves a lot less burping, that’s for sure.)

But how do I make good sisters? I’ve asked a few friends who themselves are sisters and are also raising a few daughters, and they seem confused by the question, like the task was so intuitive it wasn’t even something they thought about.

After a frustrating scene one day when one daughter was complaining that another one was wearing her shirt, I decided to just start winging it right then and there. I made up a rule: “Sisters share clothes”. (I know this because I’ve seen it done in shows, so I’m assuming it’s something sisters do.) It worked. My little girls acted as though this new information was valid, and so they started sharing clothes. Just like that. It seemed way too easy.

I started looking around to see what other rules I could come up with that teach these little girls how to be sisters. “Sisters say kind things to each other” after one child was purposely annoying her sister by calling her “Katie Watie” over and over until she screamed. This is a phrase I do have to repeat a lot, but when I do it tends to help the sister in question change their actions.

A question I ask a lot is “Are you being a kind sister right now?” I could easily leave out the ‘sister’ part and just ask “Are you being kind?”, but I think that stressing the sister part of the equation is very important.

They play a game where they pretend they are sisters. The 4 year old says “Now, let’s pretend that we’re sisters, and Lucy put me in jail, and you come and save me…” The oldest sister will be the jailer and lock another sister in the slammer, and the now-incarcerated sister will call out until the Savior Sister comes to the rescue. The fact that they actually are sisters and then play pretend sister games is beyond adorable to me.

Another new rule: Sisters serve each other. My oldest daughter (almost 8) loves making herself tea. I suggested “See if your sisters want some too”. Of course they did, and now Sister Tea Time is a near-daily event that involves a lot of sugar and spilled milk, but also sweet memories.

I feel incredibly blessed to be able to watch the sisterhood relationship unfold between my four daughters. I am so grateful that they have each other. I know there will be fights and disagreements and their relationship won’t always be rosy. But when I picture my four daughters as adults, I see four women who are loving and loyal to each other. I pray that they end up something like the March sisters: sacrificing for each other, loving and serving each other, and always forgiving. And I know I’ll be reading Little Women a few more times over the years to get some tips from Marmee.

Beach trip.

Yesterday I took a break from renovating our kitchen and went to the beach. It was the first time in 3 months. The kids were roused out of bed, handed a bagel, and loaded up in the van. These days, the beaches in Santa Cruz are only open until 11:00am so we have to get there early. It was a moody, misty morning. Cold. But still so good to be at the ocean.

The thing that amazes me so much about the ocean is that it’s always going, whether you’re there to see it or not. It still churns its waves and the tides still roll in and out, night and day. There aren’t many things in nature that keep moving despite us: flowers just stand there, trees grow slowly, birds, bugs, and critters scurry away when we approach.

The ocean doesn’t care about us. It crashes and swirls on and on and we are utterly insignificant next to it. And that is precisely what is comforting about standing next to the ocean: to know that it will keep going despite what is going on in the world around us. It will sustain life to all its creatures and keep crashing its waves over and over until the end.

And so, I go to the ocean to be reminded that there is a world beyond mine: I don’t matter as much as I think I do, and the events of today don’t matter as much as I think they do. There is a God who sustains all of us and holds even the oceans in His hands. And that knowledge can bring peace if I allow it to.

Kitchen Renovation.

Right now our kitchen is torn apart and we are knee-deep sawdust. Apparently there is a difference between a ‘remodel’ and a ‘renovation’. A ‘remodel’ means changing the existing structure to be completely different from the original (think, tearing down walls, permits, contractors). ’Renovation’ sounds more exciting but really just means changing your existing stuff to look different (think: cheaper).

To save money on this renovation, we are doing nearly everything ourselves. First we ripped out the old tile, quite literally… I never realized how much prying and actual ripping was involved in removing tile. Yesterday we laid new counters. New sink goes in today. New tile goes up tomorrow. Then new cabinets get constructed, painted, hung. Then lighting. Then floors sanded and refinished.

It’s a change I’ve wanted to make ever since we moved in to this house ten years ago, but then life happened. So much life. Ten years ago our sons were 3 and 2 and they were very busy little guys. At that time, we were still trying unsuccessfully at having a third child. I didn’t know then, but I was suffering from postpartum depression from a recent late-term miscarriage. Then foster care, then many, many foster babies and a few adoptions. Life kept marching on at high speed.

We find ourselves right now in an unfamiliar place: our sons are 13 and 12, very capable young men. And we are in the midst of a global pandemic that prohibits most activities outside the home. And so we are stuck in our home with nothing but time, a little extra money thanks to Mark’s job, and many able hands to help. And so we ripped out the tile. Soon we will have new shiny surfaces on which to make our quarantine sourdough and banana bread.

Baby Turns One.

Our youngest child turned one yesterday. She’s not really ours yet, though. She is our foster baby, currently waiting in a legal limbo, for courts to open up again so she can be legally freed from her birth parents, and then the county’s plan is for us to adopt her.

It is very strange to be in this place of being joyful over a child’s milestone, and yet realize that she’s not technically mine. We’re not yet guaranteed a future together. And so we take each day, each milestone as its own special gift. I try to hold off on thinking about the future too much.

Baby E came to our home when she was just a few days old. I picked her up at a hospital in our nearby city, a hospital well-known for its substance-abuse births. There was some discharge paperwork holdup, so we ended up having a few hours to ourselves to get to know each other.

Looking back, I am thankful for that time of waiting together. I snuggled her newborn little body. I fed her a bottle. Changed her tiny diaper. Snuggled some more. She was so peaceful, content to just look towards the window or into my face. In many ways she is the same baby a year later… happy and content. She doesn’t realize the legal events going on around her.

Caring for children in foster care and adoption is a reminder that even my birth and adopted children aren’t really mine. They are with me only for today, and I’m not guaranteed a future with any of them. They could be stricken with cancer next week, or get hit by a car (both these are real possibilities, that have happened moms in my circle of aquaintaces).

My God-given task is to love them today, and teach them about their Maker. Lord, help me to really be with them all today, to really see them and hear them, and point them towards their God who loves them so much more than I ever can.