**Disclaimer: This is meant to be satire and is not meant for instruction or to give offense. As a woman on the autism spectrum who feels quite normal, it can be challenging navigating a world run by those who are supposed to be “normal” but who can also be difficult to get along with, despite being “neurotypical.” 

Most of us like to think our society has come a long way since the old days of avoiding people based on their differences (think: kids on the playground chanting Four eyes! Four eyes!). These days there is a big movement toward being inclusive. There are school playgrounds with “buddy benches” where a kid feeling excluded can sit and, ideally, someone will befriend them. Now mainstream TV shows feature characters with cognitive differences. These are all great steps toward inclusion.  

On a day-to-day basis, it may initially seem awkward to include those different than we are in our lives. Friendship is hard enough as it is, but when you add in differences, it compounds the challenge. So here are three ways I’ve found to help navigate building friendships with those on the neurotypical spectrum(NTs): 

1. Communication differences — This is a huge category with many differences, so I’ll cover just the basics here. Understanding their communication may take a little while, but it’s worth the effort. 

It’s important to realize that most NTs have difficulty saying what they mean. When they say, “Talk to you later,” they don’t literally mean they plan to call you again later that day. Or when they say the bank is next to the movie theater, they probably mean it’s nearby the movie theater or perhaps somewhere in the general vicinity. You’ll have to learn the NT’s most-used phrases and their translations, which can vary from person to person, adding an extra layer of challenge.

Making eye contact is a large part of NT communication. Generally, they place a high value on looking them in the eyes while you talk to each other. They believe it shows respect and interest; conversely, not looking them in the eye while you talk shows disrespect and disinterest. There are a few options here for bridging the gap: 1. You can ignore their social customs and look wherever is comfortable for you. 2. Some find it helpful to stare at a fixed point in the middle of their face, giving the illusion of eye contact and therefore making them more comfortable. 

Another part of the category is NTs’ difficulty with direct communication. They tend to rely on hinting and indirect language. So if your girlfriend wants you to come by her workplace during her break, she may say something like, “Hey, if you’re not busy later, you could come by my work to say hi.” Or if you’re at an event together, they’ll say, “Hey, do you think we should go now?” and you’re supposed to infer they mean they want to go now. Or they’ll mention, “I’m getting cold,” instead of simply asking you to close the window. It takes time and practice to discover the hidden meaning of what NTs are trying to say. 

The flip side of this is that NTs generally have difficulty receiving direct communication. They often view it as confrontational and may get offended easily. You need to ensure your communication includes filler words and phrases.

2. Sense of time — Many NTs have organization deficits with time. Like the above example about communication, they may say to meet them somewhere at 7:00, but they likely don’t mean exactly at 7:00. It is acceptable to arrive up 15 minutes after the agreed-upon time. In fact, many NTs are unnerved if you are always exactly on time—to make them more comfortable, it’s important to vary your arrival time. 

Another part of this is their sense of flexibility when it comes to making plans. If you make plans with an NT, it’s a good idea to have a backup plan in case the person is very late or the original plan falls through. I meet a friend to walk early mornings once a week, and I have a fifty percent chance that she will either forget or be very late. It’s easier for me if I have the correct expectation.

3. Emotions — People on the neurotypical spectrum may struggle with emotion; strong emotions seem to be bubbling just under the surface. What seems like a minor offense can set them off. (This is also tied to communication differences since they seem to go together). 

One day I was helping a friend out with a project through WhatsApp voice messages. I told her I would take care of a certain area of the project, and she said that sounded good. The next day I found out that she was very upset and felt like I was taking the project away from her. I was very confused. After several voice messages, I finally I realized that I was being direct, and she was being indirect with me, and our meanings were getting mixed up in the process. 

Staying calm and offering a listening ear is important when they express big emotions. You can say reassuring phrases like, “I’m sorry this is so hard for you” or “I hear what you’re saying.” You may not understand exactly what they are going through, but you give them your presence and make them feel seen.

Conclusion: Unfortunately, no therapies exist for those on the neurotypical spectrum to gain better social skills or navigate friendships. It’s up to us to have grace with them. Give them the benefit of the doubt when it seems like they are being rude. After all, we appreciate when others have grace with us. And if you’re feeling especially adventurous, you may be able to take an NT under your wing and show them a better way to communicate and build friendships.